don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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