the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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