you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
