Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
