Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
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