I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
