Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
