umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
