ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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