Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
