Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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