So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
