Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
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I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
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Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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