I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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