So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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