so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Redeem this text for a blowjob
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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