If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
