every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
