i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
