So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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