Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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