Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
