Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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