Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
