i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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