just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
