I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
