Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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