she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
