come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
