Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
