get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
