this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
