New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
