i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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