Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
