good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
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