P.S. I can't hear my feet
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
