I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
