I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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