we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
