I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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