She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
