no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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