Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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