i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
