If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
