You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
