Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
