I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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