24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize
