I met the friendliest cop last night
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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