I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
