she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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